Ten tips for talking to your child about relationships and sex
1. Explore your own attitudes and values to relationships and sex.
Explore your feelings around relationships and sex. How was your sex education from home and school? What could have been better? What do you want for your child? Use the resources from tip 3 to help you if you need and don’t worry about admitting it to your child if you feel embarrassed about it- you could say something like , “You know, I’m uncomfortable talking about sex because growing up no-one ever talked about it to me. But I want us to be able to talk about anything—including sex—so please come to me if you have any questions. And if I don’t know the answer, I’ll find out.” Discuss your own values around sex and relationships with your child. After all you are one of the main role models in your child's life, and your values will have an influence on their own developing values.
2. Start early.
The earlier the better- even very young children need to make sense of healthy relationships, friendships and respect. You don’t need to talk about sexual relationships until they start asking questions or you feel they are ready, but be aware at some point during their early years they will probably want to know how babies are made and about the differences between male and female bodies of both adults and children their age. They also need consent and protective behaviours modelled from a young age.
3. Know the facts and use resources to help you.
Being prepared will help you answer any questions your child may have and you can use resources to help you . For primary aged children there are 100's of great books that can help you, some of my favorites are Babette Cole’s book Mummy laid an egg or Cory Silverberg's What makes a baby? Or Sex is a funny word as well as Will Ladybug Hug (consent), King and King (gay princes fall in love and live happily ever after) and many more (contact me for a list!). For tweens I love the amaze.org site and for teens and young adults I think BISHUK, Brook and Scarleteen are all excellent for young people to explore. If you still feel uncomfortable the Family Lives have some useful advice articles for discussing relationships and sex education. You can also joing this FB group I run which aims to support parents (and others working with young people around these issues or contact me directly. I am currently engaged in research for the university of Westminster into Parents and RSE).
Explore your feelings around relationships and sex. How was your sex education from home and school? What could have been better? What do you want for your child? Use the resources from tip 3 to help you if you need and don’t worry about admitting it to your child if you feel embarrassed about it- you could say something like , “You know, I’m uncomfortable talking about sex because growing up no-one ever talked about it to me. But I want us to be able to talk about anything—including sex—so please come to me if you have any questions. And if I don’t know the answer, I’ll find out.” Discuss your own values around sex and relationships with your child. After all you are one of the main role models in your child's life, and your values will have an influence on their own developing values.
2. Start early.
The earlier the better- even very young children need to make sense of healthy relationships, friendships and respect. You don’t need to talk about sexual relationships until they start asking questions or you feel they are ready, but be aware at some point during their early years they will probably want to know how babies are made and about the differences between male and female bodies of both adults and children their age. They also need consent and protective behaviours modelled from a young age.
3. Know the facts and use resources to help you.
Being prepared will help you answer any questions your child may have and you can use resources to help you . For primary aged children there are 100's of great books that can help you, some of my favorites are Babette Cole’s book Mummy laid an egg or Cory Silverberg's What makes a baby? Or Sex is a funny word as well as Will Ladybug Hug (consent), King and King (gay princes fall in love and live happily ever after) and many more (contact me for a list!). For tweens I love the amaze.org site and for teens and young adults I think BISHUK, Brook and Scarleteen are all excellent for young people to explore. If you still feel uncomfortable the Family Lives have some useful advice articles for discussing relationships and sex education. You can also joing this FB group I run which aims to support parents (and others working with young people around these issues or contact me directly. I am currently engaged in research for the university of Westminster into Parents and RSE).
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4. Try to talk about more than the basics of “puberty, plumbing and prevention”.
Don't forget we want young people to also be able to recognise and negotiate positive pleasurable relationships, to be aware of the impact of peer pressure on their behaviour and to be able analyse and reduce risks within certain situations. My top tip is to teach them the Ethical Relationships Framework ditty
(Created by Jenny Walsh inspired by the work of Moira Carmody more detail on the 4 steps to be considered with teenagers are available opposite. ) I have used the ditty above with kids from the age of 4 in a friendship context and it works so well. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if everyone used these rules in all their interactions? |
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5. Give honest answers.
Answer questions truthfully and honestly appropriate to their age. You could consider “if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear an age appropriate answer”. However, sometimes they may never ask the question so you may need to think about introducing the material in other ways such as via books or television programs you can critique together. Also be careful- they may not actually require the detailed explanation you may be about to launch into (see video below)!
Answer questions truthfully and honestly appropriate to their age. You could consider “if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear an age appropriate answer”. However, sometimes they may never ask the question so you may need to think about introducing the material in other ways such as via books or television programs you can critique together. Also be careful- they may not actually require the detailed explanation you may be about to launch into (see video below)!
A top tip would be to ask “well what do you think?” as a way to establish the level of answer they require and to correct any misunderstandings and always try to use the correct terminology and names for body parts. If you are struggling with an answer to question - work together to find out the question using the websites listed in point 3. We want to encourage questions. In fact a key maxim for all children and young people should be to teach them to QUESTION EVERYTHING. We want to teach our kids to be critical of everything from media content to social norms. The better at critiqueing they are- the better at avoiding things that might have negative impacts they will be.
6. Don’t make it into a big deal.
You don’t have to sit down and have a single one off “sex talk” that can be embarrassing for everybody, instead deal with questions as they arise. You could try having a chat about relationships and sex when you are in the car, or on a walk or while watching TV if something comes up- that way it reduces the pressure on both parent and child of having the “big scary sex talk”. Not having to make eye contact makes a big difference! You could ask what they think or feel about something they've just seen or experienced eg. guinea pig having babies or an Uncle getting married. Try to anticipate the next stage of development eg. talking to your daughter before she starts her periods etc.
7. Support their developing sense of self.
It's entirely normal for your child to start to push boundaries with you as they enter adolescence. Wherever possible focus on the positives, and listen to, and respect them. Acknowledge their viewpoint and the pressures that they face. Show that you respect your child as a person by respecting their privacy as much as reasonable for your family. Where possible encourage exploring taking risks/teenage rebellion in safe environments - the notion of comfort stretch panic (below) is a valuable one here. How does their body feel in each of the zones? What strategies do they have in their toolbox to help them get out of panic zone situations? One top tip would be always promise to be their escape back up plan to pick them up without question (in that moment anyhow!) if they ever need. You could arrange a safe code- eg. if they text you an X or certain emoji you will immediately phone them and demand you pick them up immediately because [insert suitable excuse]. This gives them a safer get out of uncomfortable situations where they can blame their 'dragons of parents' and not lose 'face' around their peers.
6. Don’t make it into a big deal.
You don’t have to sit down and have a single one off “sex talk” that can be embarrassing for everybody, instead deal with questions as they arise. You could try having a chat about relationships and sex when you are in the car, or on a walk or while watching TV if something comes up- that way it reduces the pressure on both parent and child of having the “big scary sex talk”. Not having to make eye contact makes a big difference! You could ask what they think or feel about something they've just seen or experienced eg. guinea pig having babies or an Uncle getting married. Try to anticipate the next stage of development eg. talking to your daughter before she starts her periods etc.
7. Support their developing sense of self.
It's entirely normal for your child to start to push boundaries with you as they enter adolescence. Wherever possible focus on the positives, and listen to, and respect them. Acknowledge their viewpoint and the pressures that they face. Show that you respect your child as a person by respecting their privacy as much as reasonable for your family. Where possible encourage exploring taking risks/teenage rebellion in safe environments - the notion of comfort stretch panic (below) is a valuable one here. How does their body feel in each of the zones? What strategies do they have in their toolbox to help them get out of panic zone situations? One top tip would be always promise to be their escape back up plan to pick them up without question (in that moment anyhow!) if they ever need. You could arrange a safe code- eg. if they text you an X or certain emoji you will immediately phone them and demand you pick them up immediately because [insert suitable excuse]. This gives them a safer get out of uncomfortable situations where they can blame their 'dragons of parents' and not lose 'face' around their peers.
Risk taking and rebellion is entirely normal adolescent behaviour- what safer ways can you encourage this? bungee jumping? acting classes? BMX bike trails? letting them get the extreme haircut (and supporting them through any resultant school sanctions without undermining the school!).
8.Be approachable.
Ensure your child knows that they can come to you at any time and ask to talk about anything. Do your best to be open and non-judgmental – regardless of the subject matter. If your child approaches you at a difficult time to talk properly, make sure that you explain that you are busy and then immediately set up a time in the near future when you can talk properly. Make a habit of asking your child questions and listening to your child, so that you are seen as confident and a resource who they can return to time and time again as they get grow up. This is also a great opportunity to find out what your child feels, thinks, and experiences.
9. Be aware and be involved.
Your child is probably growing up in a very different world to the one you grew up in, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Discuss the impact of the media on young people and its affect on their choices. Work with your child to agree the boundaries around internet use, You should also find out what is being taught about Relationships and Sex Education when at school, so you and the school can work together to enhance your child's learning.
10, Finally don’t demonize sex.
Your child is most likely here because of sex (even though it causes all of us a universal 'ick' when thinking about our parents actually having sex) and one day (though we might freak out at the thought) they will also most likely to be having sex. It is not advisable to go in any detail about your own personal experiences of sex but distance any relevant stories into "I had a friend...." if you think the experience maybe relevant. You have such an important role to play in helping your child develop into a happy, healthy and secure adult who is sexually active on their own terms.
Good Luck!
P.S Watch the video below and see what those parents did well and could have done better!
8.Be approachable.
Ensure your child knows that they can come to you at any time and ask to talk about anything. Do your best to be open and non-judgmental – regardless of the subject matter. If your child approaches you at a difficult time to talk properly, make sure that you explain that you are busy and then immediately set up a time in the near future when you can talk properly. Make a habit of asking your child questions and listening to your child, so that you are seen as confident and a resource who they can return to time and time again as they get grow up. This is also a great opportunity to find out what your child feels, thinks, and experiences.
9. Be aware and be involved.
Your child is probably growing up in a very different world to the one you grew up in, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Discuss the impact of the media on young people and its affect on their choices. Work with your child to agree the boundaries around internet use, You should also find out what is being taught about Relationships and Sex Education when at school, so you and the school can work together to enhance your child's learning.
10, Finally don’t demonize sex.
Your child is most likely here because of sex (even though it causes all of us a universal 'ick' when thinking about our parents actually having sex) and one day (though we might freak out at the thought) they will also most likely to be having sex. It is not advisable to go in any detail about your own personal experiences of sex but distance any relevant stories into "I had a friend...." if you think the experience maybe relevant. You have such an important role to play in helping your child develop into a happy, healthy and secure adult who is sexually active on their own terms.
Good Luck!
P.S Watch the video below and see what those parents did well and could have done better!